Official Website!

The 'You Can Touch It for a Quarter' Sessions!

A NOTE FROM GIRTH McDÜRCHSTEIN

Welcome to the official website for Abysmal Crucifix's ill-fated release, You Can Touch It for a Quarter. As many of you know, in 1999 Abysmal Crucifix stood on the precipice of major stardom. We had a top-98 hit, a positive fanbase and reputation in the heavy-metal community — all we needed was an album to take us over the edge. You Can Touch It for a Quarter was intended to be that album. The tapes were stolen in the winter of 1999, shortly after my initial incarceration while awaiting trial (which, contrary to this man's opinion, really did happen). Shortly thereafter, Karen Hofstadt (A&R rep for Kelleystein Recordings, our former label) received an e-mail from our drummer, Tommy Janofsky, who had not been seen since the theft. The e-mail read as follows:

"Howdy, suckaz, dis be yo' pal Tommy J. I got yo' tapes, an' I ain't what bring dem back. Ya ain't gon' find me so ya best not try. I gon' go thru wha' I got and mix up a product to sell. You ain't gon' get no dollaz out from dis. I con you suckaz good."

Since "mix[ing] up a product" that he released in 2000, Tommy Janofsky has sold dozens of copies of The 'You Can Touch It for a Quarter' Sessions over the past seven years. Combined with his recent launch of an unnecessary, unfair, occasionally libelous defamation website, Tommy Janofsky has become Abysmal Crucifix Enemy Number One. After many years, I will reluctantly accept the fact that (because of Tommy) You Can Touch It for a Quarter will never be completed or truly released. A serious lack of financing, coupled with being dropped from our label after it was run into the ground by its president and CEO, has led me to realize that all that will ever come of You Can Touch It for a Quarter are these sessions, compiled and mixed by Tommy (who also credited himself as a producer despite the fact that, as usual, I produced this album with engineer Carlos Ueberschaer).

With that in mind, I'm sticking it to Tommy, who would ask that you pay 10 dollars for this incomplete album. I'm offering it here, on the Internet, for free. Fuck off and die, Janofsky!

Yours,

The Music! (with explanatory notes by producer Carlos Ueberschaer)

1. You Can Touch It for 25¢ (click on each track title to download)

Listed (quite accurately) in Tommy's liner notes as "Final Backing Track w/Overdubs," this is one of many instrumentals on the Sessions album. The typical Abysmal Crucifix recording process is to create an instrumental backing track, then add overdubs like guitar solos, and then add vocals. We never got to the vocals on many of these, which are backing tracks in various stages of completion.

2. Having Sex with Aliens

Arguably the most tedious track on the album, this features a keyboard recording session for a not-even-remotely completed song entitled "Having Sex with Aliens." What Jam Malone records here is the intro and outro; the song itself was intended to be traditional Abysmal Crucifix metal, with searing guitar solos, scorching power chords, and competent basslines. Unfortunately, though this is the second track on Sessions (and was intended to be the second track on You Can Touch It for a Quarter; Tommy ordered the tracks based on an early list sent to Kelleystein Recordings by Girth McDürchstein), recording didn't start until just shortly before Tommy Janofsky ran off with the tapes. It seems likely that Tommy would have spliced the "final" 'board layerings at the beginning and end of the usual full-band acoustic demo. I'd love to have an explanation for why he chose to make this track tedious, but I doubt I'll get one. Perhaps it just reflects his dislike of the band.

3. Do Whom You Want to Do

Tommy calls this a "final mixdown," but my notes indicate Girth intended to lay down at least one more synth track and possibly 1-2 additional guitar lines (whether these would be brief solos or another layer of rhythm guitar, I cannot say). It does sound fairly complete, though, with its sampled vocals and raging guitars.

Considering Tommy is Abysmal Crucifix's drummer, one would think the drums would pop out the most. It's hilarious to me that not only do the drumlines not pop, but they sound fairly awful. On many of the tracks (this one and the title track are especially prominent) they almost sound like synthesized drums or an old-school drum machine.

4. The Quad-Sexual Man

Why Tommy would think this is a proper backing track, I don't know. Another insight into the Abysmal Crucifix recording process is this: up until the creation of more mature, operatic works, Girth would often write songs with no lyrics. Or, if he had lyrics, he wouldn't quite have a melody to fit the chord progression. The full band would record a demo, usually acoustic, that would essentially be a jam session. Girth would play a guitar solo and gradually pick out a melody from that. It is possible, though I don't know, that Girth planned to include lighter, acoustic songs on You Can Touch It for a Quarter (after all, Girth McDürchstein's 'The Hedge' has almost an even mix of hard-rock and acoustic songs). But would he want to use something with a sustained guitar solo as a backing track? Knowing Girth, maybe, but I think Tommy is probably just talking out his fat ass. The song does have a fairly nice solo, though.

5. Pecker Out the Window

I will admit, without shame, that I am embarrassed by the recording quality of this song. It's a rare full-band "electric" demo with a lot of overdubs (for some reason; my notes for this session are spotty, as they usually are for the demos, and I can't recall off the top of my head why Girth thought overdubs on a demo would be a good idea), but they all sound terrible. Lots of clipping, way too much echo. Tommy actually did a fair job of cleaning it up and trying to bury the poorer aspects of it, but it's disgusting to my ears.

6. The Breeze on My Cock (Take Me Away...)

Tommy calls this a "finalized backing track from various sessions." I actually don't know why my notes say there were 118 takes of "Breeze," but the fact that Tommy whittled all that down to one usable track shows me that he has promise as a recording engineer. I hate to compliment him in any way after what he did, but I sort of admire that. This is a fairly straightforward synth-'n'-piano track with a nice bass solo from Mikey starting at 1:10. This is probably where the "various sessions" kick in — it probably took a lot of effort to go over 118 tracks to create on decent solo from Mikey Parker. I'm not sure how "finalized" this backing track is, though — where are the guitars?!

7. Ah! a Sweet-Tasting Manwad

"Ah! a Sweet-Tasting Manwad" was supposed to be another of Girth's transparent attempts to gain artistic credibility (perhaps this is a symptom of the whole album). The density of the layering impresses me to this day: two basslines, piano, Hammond B3, wurlitzer electric piano, vibraphones, slide guitar, distorted guitar, acoustic guitar. I admire the sparseness of the percussion here (something Girth was experiencing with fairly seriously in this stage of recording). It's nothing but an echoed woodblock. Most of the rhythm comes from other instruments.

Listening to this track, I think the greatest misfortune of Tommy stealing the You Can Touch It for a Quarter tapes is that few of the songs reached this stage of completion — imagine a whole album, with vocals and solos, of songs like this! It may not be traditional heavy metal, but it's something interesting.

8. Man Is It Sweaty!

Tommy mislabels this a "solo acoustic demo" when it clearly is a full-band demo; perhaps he doesn't want to admit to performing the percussion on it, but why should he? My notes indicate that the percussion tracks were overdubbed by Girth and Jam.

One of the few songs on the album to have lyrics, this shows the interesting lyrical transition that was takng place on Delightlah! and You Can Touch It for a Quarter. After writing sex- and drug-fueled lyrics for years, Girth started to take a serious look at the type of person his songs portrayed and (as exemplified by his masterpiece, The Hedge) taking a more introspective approach to that type of person. Here's a song about a man who lets out his aggression during a heat-wave by sexing up a woman, then abandoning her. Had this song been written for Two Berries on a Twig, the first-person narrator might have been prouder of his actions. "Man Is It Sweaty" takes on an almost elegiac perspective on this all-too-common scenario. It's the lyrical equivalent of a song like "Ah! a Sweet-Tasting Manwad!" in that it shows Girth's songwriting maturation.

The quality of this demo is fairly good. With some minor alterations, Girth could have actually used this as his first real acoustic song.

The lyrics are as follows:

You smile just like an angel lying upon your half of the bed
I lie back like a king, look up at the ceiling, I'm panting and sweating

I can't take these summer nights anymore
I wish we lived in a world of snow and rain and cold
I can't take these summer nights anymore
Baby, I gotta leave, I'm sorry, where's the door?

You tell me not to go now, but I'm freakin' out 'cause it's so fuckin' hot out
"Just stay," you whisper so softly, your body feels cold even though you're so sweaty
Your lips part like a racehorse dipping her head to take a drink
We kiss under the moonlight, we're sweating our balls off but we don't care.

I love these summer nights with you, baby, you
Drawing a cold bath and stripping down until we're nude
Humidity don't make a difference when I see your shiny face
The sweat lubricates as our bodies slip and slide all day.

I know just what to do to make you cool off
Rub an ice cube down your naked back until it melts.

We take a walk on the beach, I hold your hand and you smile crookedly
And then, before we know it, we're on the sand and naked as egrets
Dawn comes, but you're still sleeping, I kiss you on the forehead
I leave you all alone there, I slip away and walk to my car.

These summer mornings, they are so hard to get through.
Listen, I gotta go, but you know that I love you.

9. Stop Squeezing

A pointless 79 seconds of percussion. Girth recorded not one but three full-band electric demos of "Stop Squeezing," but Tommy includes only a brief snippet of the percussion, just to show off. On his MySpace, he even includes a longer, five-minute cut that has him pounding on a cowbell for much of the time. Tommy, why would you think Abysmal fans would enjoy this more than a demo?

10. What's That White Stuff?

Rumor has it that the guitar solo on this "solo acoustic" was performed by Tommy Janofsky himself, to "zazz" things up. Though I have no documentation, I have to believe this is a false rumor. Tommy may show some promise as a producer/engineer, but the fact remains that he stole hours of tape and all he really did was piece it together. This solo could have come from anywhere, at any time, but the tonality and recording quality match Girth McDürchstein at the Paint Shaker — a feat I doubt Tommy Janofsky's rudimentary skills could replicate.

This song has a really great verse riff that I wish we could hear in Abysmal Crucifix's full metal glory.

The lyrics are as follows:

You kiss me right where it counts
Just before you let me mount you
Stick your mouth on it
Massage it with your tongue.

What's that white stuff?
I seen it every day,
Don't matter if I'm jerkin' it
Or if I'm gettin' laid.

My body shakes a little bit
For a second I feel euphoric
Then I spurt in your mouth
And you start to scream.

What's that white stuff?
Do you prefer it on your chest?
It's not my fault it happened so fast,
Baby, you're the best.

You know what that white stuff is
It's not my fault I lost control.
So, baby, please come back,
It's been awhile since I got blown.

Now she's gone
She left me all alone,
I reach in my pants,
Start stroking my bone.

I called her up one night last week,
Left a message so obscene,
She never called me back
I got not choice but to wax the poetic warlock.

What's that white stuff
Dried up in my socks?
It's dead little babies
That come out from my cock.

Love!

11. Sexual Anguish

Here it is — the one complete song from You Can Touch It for a Quarter. Girth originally wrote lyrics to this instrumental but, after taking a week to record it, the band loved the instrumental backing track so much that they decided no lyrics were necessary. Perhaps Tommy felt slighted that on both this track and the strikingly similar (but vastly inferior) "Pecker Out the Window" feature actual drum machines (programmed by synth-god Jam Malone) rather than his own performance.

We hope you enjoy this song most of all, because it's the one song Tommy put out there that is exactly what we wanted to release.

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